I wasn’t going to post anything today, but as I sit at my kitchen table and finish up my reading for the day I felt I needed to. Even it’s for no one else but myself.
I came across a section in a book I’m reading that really spoke to me, especially on this day. I’ve heard people say for so long that losing someone made them hold the people they love even closer to their hearts and even though I would pretend to agree, I never felt that way. To be honest, I felt the exact opposite and ended up pushing everyone away. Over the years I have built up walls around myself, protecting my heart from ever feeling that same hurt again, thinking that I could deal with everything on my own.
I know that I can’t be the only person that has felt or is feeling that way, so I know it was the Holy Spirit pushing me to go out of my comfort zone today. Nine years ago today was the worst day of my life and I hate to even see it written on the calendar, but for the first time I can look back and say that I’ve come a long way. God has blessed me with so much and I owe it to Him to let go of the fear I have in my heart. Not everyone is going to leave. Not everyone is going to hurt you. However, some will and I’ve finally learned that’s okay. I know now that keeping everyone at arms length is hurting me even more than anything I could ever go through and I don’t want to be that way anymore. So, I’m challenging myself and anyone else who feels even close to how I do, to be a better friend, daughter, mother, follower of Christ, and whatever other hats you may wear. And when fear creeps in, remind yourself that you can’t control what anyone else is going to do, but as long as you have love in your heart, God will make it worth it in the end. I promise.
And yes, this is a public promise to all my friends and family that I’m going to be better about texting, calling, emailing, morse code, smoke signals and every other form of communication you have used to try to get ahold of me. I love each and every one of you… and I love that you put up with me 🙂